Tuesday, October 16, 2007

For my darling son

In a few days you will be four years. Or three years and one more year, as you put it. It seems like yesterday that they yanked out a bloody mewling mass of flesh from my insides, and then whacked it to make it howl loud enough to bring the hospital building down and the mother in law scurrying up from the ground floor where she had gone to get her precious bottle of boiled water from the car. The husband inflated himself much in the manner reminescent of a helium balloon when you were put into his arms. I am told you were looking left right and centre trying to figure out what was going on, and whatever the celebrations were all about you wanted to be in the thick of the action. Not much has changed since. The anaesthesist exclaimed "Ganapati Bappa Ala," when you emerged, much to my astonishment, I was blessed to hear the name of the lord when you were born. And then the agonies of the post op, the indignity of the catheter, the total scariness of being unable to move beyond the waist for an entire day, the sudden realisation that I had folds of skin hanging emptily where once sleek flat tummy was. And the scars. The scary scars. Nothing mattered when I held you and fed you. You were too hungry to feed contentedly. You attacked me, and couldnt latch on properly and I had no clue how I was to handle you. Everytime I fed, an army of nurses would be at hand to position your mouth, you were already throwing temper tantrums and howling till you went red if you couldnt feed. Not much has changed since. The temper still remains firmly in place. Only now your hands and feet are not tied up, and you can lash out.
You were a beautiful baby. Plump, cherubic, pleasant, friendly and adorable. The husband began loving to carry you in a public situation since you drew teenage girls like a magnet. You were an early lady slayer. You still retain your charm. Then came the seizures, the hospitalisations, the autism spectrum diagnosis. I dont even want to think of those days. Lets just say, thats when I began greying.
Then working with you, pushing you to prove that you were fine. That nothing was wrong with you, you were just like other kids. Maybe a little slow, but fine. Dealing with your odd behaviour in public, suffering because other children refused to play with you, being the punching bag for your temper tantrums and bites and scratches, the marks of which I bear all over like badges of honour. I know of another mother, who also brings her son to therapy, to the same therapist you go to, who keeps her son in a room at home with a maid to deal with him, since she feels embarassed to take him out. I almost spat on her when she told me this. And I am a mild person. I took you everywhere, even if it was backbreaking. Nothing you did was embarassing to me. Your obsession with lifts and doors, your flailing on the floor tantrums in malls, were all fine. As long as it gave you a chance to interact with the world. I did all I could to keep you with people. You went to playschool when you were barely 20 months. And you were not speaking. It was heartbreaking to think of you, alone, with strangers, unable to make yourself understood. I cried for an entire week. I stood outside the gate of the school, with my mobile in my hand ready to run in and get you should they call and say you were crying for the entire two hours you were in there. The teacher told me that she had to take an Anacin after you left, you gave her such a headache. I told her that was what I was paying her for, and if she couldnt take it she should quit teaching. I shifted you to another school which adored you, and did all it could to help you fit in. I never ever wanted you to be treated differently from other kids. You would be the same as everyone else. I would ensure that. Even if I had to put my entire life on hold for that. Then it started, the therapy, the working with you, the ensuring you went out every evening, even if my legs were shaking with tiredness. Talking incessantly to you to make you respond. Treating you much the same as other kids.
You are a beautiful boy today. A handsome scrawny boy who lights up any place he goes, and makes everyone fall in love with him effortlessly. My heart swells with joy when I see you with your friends, making yourself understood, playing happily, oblivious to all the labels you have, just getting on with your life, and having a great time.
God bless you my darling son. And keep you safe and away from any unhappiness. And when you do grow up, and perhaps sometime read this, I hope you will forgive your mother for being the task master she has been.


  1. WOW Kiran.. You are one tough girl. I know of one of my relatives who has an autism child and parents just have kept her at home because no normal school wants to take her and there is no special school in their town.

  2. You are an inspiration to me Kiran! You really are!!
    Wishing your boy all the best always!

  3. Xpressions11:39 PM

    OH...U brought tears to my eyes....
    Hip Hip Hurray to U & Krish..

    God Bless

  4. Hats off to you *doffs her hat*. You have been very strong and a wonderful mother. Your boy is lucky to have you.
    Happy 4th Birthday!

  5. Anonymous2:33 AM

    Krish , you have the best damn mum in town !! Here's wishing you a happy 4th one .

  6. Kiran, you are one strong and beautiful mother. That was a very moving post, and may God bless dear Krish with all the good things in life.

  7. That was a very touching post Kiran. You are such a strong, loving mother and Krish is lucky to have you.
    Write about your plans for the Burrrrday!

  8. Kiran that was a beautiful post...
    Happy 4th Krish...

  9. gr8mom28:07 AM

    A standing ovation to you, Krish's mom !! Krish YOU are blessed to have her.

    God bless..

  10. Wishing you a special 4th birthday as a wonder mommy. You deserve the biggest piece of the birthday cake... hey, you deserve your very own cake, Kiran.

  11. What an amazing post. Beautiful, heartfelt, touching writing. Thanks for sharing so much, from so deep, in the public domain.

  12. That was intensely beautiful Kiran, and dug up from the deepest trenches of your heart. I love this fighting spirit in you. Krish is do darn lucky to be born to YOU. May Ganpati Bappa bless him with this same indomitable will, courage and your rib tickling sense of humour. Lots of love!

  13. forgive u? i think krish's gonna love u all the more if he ever reads this. u're amazing. and an inspiration. am i glad i came across ur space.

  14. Kiran -
    Krish is blessed to be born to you - to a mom who believes in her son, no matter what.
    and you are blessed to have him - for how else would your strength of character shine through?
    Happy four years to both of you. Hope the future has a lot more happiness in store.

  15. Anonymous11:51 AM

    De-lurking to say that you are truly an inspiration. I have an almost 4 year old, and her occasional tantrums make me squirm in public. What you have achieved is awe-inspiring. Congratulations to you and Happy birthday, little Krish.

    came via MM

  16. Forgive you? For what? Brat is so lucky to have you.

  17. Happy Birthday, Krish. And congratulations Kiran.

    My brother showed signs of problems in the making but our family wouldn't allow my mother to do anything about it (because he couldn't be less than perfect, that blessed first grandchild.) So when I read about you and K fighting together, it feels good to know another child won't go down.

    Bless you both (and the husband too, of course).

  18. Happy Birthday to you, you beautiful baby boy! I hope you will always know what a wonderful mom you have!

  19. he is one lucky boy - to have you for mom. wishing him lots of happiness.

  20. krish is going to be as full of beans and as much of a fighter as you -and from your posts seems like he has your sense of humour too - he is ready to take on the world... super girl and krish- now thats a spectacular team!
    happy birthday krish !

  21. Kiran,
    I have read your previous posts on this matter but this one truly moved me to tears. I admire you for your patience and strength and Krish is truly blessed to have you as his mom. Happy 4th to him and wishing the very best for the future!

  22. Kiran - an outstanding post. What is even more outstanding is you. What a fighter you have been, and an sure you have made the little one into too. He will continue to do really, really well...most because he has you for his mom.

    Happy fourth, Krish boy! You are deeply loved :) You go show 'em, son.

  23. The Krish I saw yesterday showed no signs of the issues you spoke about - and it's all to your credit. I am in awe...

    All morning, Ayaan has been asking 'Shaam ko Kish ke birthday party mein jauyenge?- :)

  24. Kowsalya: I have really been blessed, because Krish was on mild end of the spectrum and we got an early diagnosis and therapy, he was barely 1.9 when it all started. As Rohini says, today you can barely make out that there is anything different about him. Just little oddities here and there. But parents of children with full blown autism really have it very very tough. I have nothing in comparison with what they go through. God bless them.

    Noon, anonymous, Squiggles Mom, JLT, Anita, Random Vignettes: Thanks all. *Checks to see if halo is shining bright enough*

    Momstir: Trust you me I ate more than half of it....

    That Hideous Man: Welcome and thanks.

    Tharini: Thanks dear.

    Rayshma, Kodis Mom: Thanks, I think I am the blessed one.

    Rashmi: Oh, they can really make your ears turn red cant they in public...LOL. No congrats to me, I owed it to the fella. Thanks.

    UTBTkids, Sue, Moppets Mom, Choxbox: Thanks.I am a lucky mom.

    Sur: Thanks dear, we missed you and Sanah.

    Orchid: Thanks. I think rather I am blessed to have him.

    Parul: Thankie, Lordie, am up to my ears in unfinished tags...

    Rohini: Thanks, and am glad you feel that way. Cho Chweet, will keep another bday party just for Ayaan, poor baby, he'd just about warmed up to the chaos when it was curtains...

  25. Happy Birthday to dear Krish ! Hope you had a blast. New house, Brat getting older ... It's your lucky year! Pictures please.
    You are a special mom of a special thild and the lord has united the two of you for a reason.
    Wish you and your family the very best.

  26. Aww Kiran this is beautiful..so heartfelt!I have said it before and so have so many others..You are such an inspiration.:) Krish is really lucky to have you as his MOM!
    Wishing dear Krishy a very very Happy birthday!

  27. Amazing post...i am literally in tears and trynig hard to hide them as the girl who sits next to me wondering why she is crying
    god bless ur baby

  28. Yet another brilliant and an inspiring post and a reflection of the sentiments that I go through!

    Great job Kiran!