Thank you IBH for this forward. I don't normally post inspiring,
educative stuff, but what the heck, somedays can be an exception to
the norm, can't they? My responses are the ones in italics beneath each point made by the author.
How to Learn to Relax With Your Kids
by Leo Babauta
"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves." - C.G. Jung
If you're a hyper parent, you might not even know it — we parents tend to be in denial about that sort of thing. But if you are, you might want to earn to relax — for your kids' sake and for yours.
Hyper parents are spotted when they are trying to educate their child from the womb and expose them to the most intellectually stimulating
music and art and literature before the kid can crawl. They obsess over everything, from whether the child is learning fast enough to how safe every single thing is to every little scrape and bruise. They are overprotective, overbearing, overwhelming to the child.
I admit, I was a hyper parent once and still can be sometimes. It's a habit I'm trying to break, with some success. And for those of you who are hyper parents and will admit it if only to yourselves, I'd like to share some things I've learned, with hopes that it'll help.
Be forewarned that some of these suggestions take a very different approach to parenting than the traditional methods — I'm not suggesting everyone follow them, especially if you're not willing to break with traditions. What I am suggesting is that these methods will help you relax, will help your child feel freer and less controlled and more able to explore and learn on her own, and could possibly result in a better relationship with your child and a happier child overall. I don't have proof of that yet, but I have a strong hunch based on how my kids react when I do these things right.
1. When you get angry, pick them up and hug them. Instead of scolding or spanking or time outs or other controlling methods, try love. It's a much better response, and you're teaching your child through your actions rather than your words.
Yup, I will pick him up and hug him the next time he draws an elephant bang in the centre cushion of my newly upholstered sofa. After I count to ten very very slowly. And after I burst into tears of frustration. And after I call the laundry service to ask whether black permanent marker on rust suede can be taken away without damaging the fabric. I will hug him then. After he gets the whopping of his life.
2. Make this your mantra: treat them with kindness, treat them with
respect. Seems simple, but it's surprising how little respect we give
to kids, because they're kids.
Isnt this what we should be doing with every human being, kid or adult?
3. Drop your expectations of the child. Often parents have high hopes
of the child doing well academically, or in sports, or of becoming a
professional, when that's not what the child wants. Or the parent
hopes the child will be a certain type of person, and tries to steer
the child toward that — a mild, kind child, or a bright, cheerful
child, or a studious, hard-working child — but that's not who the
child is. Drop these expectations and celebrate the child, as she is.
I didnt turn out to be the best selling author my mother thought I would be. My son might not turn out to be the rockstar I think he has in him. But a little fantasy is good for my sanity.
4. Let her play, let her explore. Stop being so overprotective. Allow
the kid to be a kid. Let her run around outside, ride a bike, explore
nature. Teach her, of course, about safety and dangers, but let her be
a kid.
Please. I want him to play and explore and get out of my hair. Dont call for me until blood is drawn is my motto at the park.
5. Say yes, or some version of yes. Instead of saying no. Often
parents have an instinct to say no. But this is controlling and
stressful, to both child and parent. Stop trying to control the child
and give him some freedom. That doesn't mean you can say yes all the
time, but it does mean you can say "Yes, we can do that … but perhaps
later, when I'm done with what I have to do now."
Why sugarcoat? I say yes when I mean yes, no when I mean no, and maybe if I mean maybe. The world outside is not going to sugarcoat their responses to him. When he grows up, he might not be able to deal with nos if he never gets to hear them from me.
6. Stop trying to overeducate and get out of the way. Parents try to
impart all kinds of knowledge to the kids. So do schools. But kids
learn naturally, without us. Get out of the way, stop trying to force
the kid to learn what you think he needs to learn. Encourage him to
explore and read and figure stuff out. Get him excited about things.
When he's excited about something, he'll learn. When you force it on
him, he'll do what he's forced to do, but not learn much other than
you're controlling.
Overeducate? You got to be kidding. I am the duh-est parent on this planet. I dont even know all the names of the Alien Force aliens on the Ben 10 force. It is me who gets an education everyday.
7. Just focus on making the next interaction with them positive. Many
of these changes are difficult to make for parents, as we have deeply
ingrained habits, stemming from our own childhood. So just focus on
the next interaction. Just try to make the next one a good one. Don't
worry about when you screw up — just apologize if you've broken a
trust, and move on.
Life is full of positive and negative. The child has to learn to deal with both, and who best to teach him than a parent. The child must know that certain things are non negotiable and a parent will not have a positive interaction with him if the non negotiables are tampered with. I call it, My house, my rules.
8. Take a moment to pause, and see things from your child's perspective. If you get angry, it's because you're only seeing things from your perspective. The child has a completely different view of things, and if you can understand that view, you won't be mad at the child. You'll try to make things better for her.
I will see from the child's perspective. The child wants the Rs 2000 Ben 10 Omnitrix watch which has no practical use apart from creating an infernal racket. I could use that Rs 2000 to fund his monthly tuitions. I dont get his point. I will pick up a Rs 99 fake of the same, and reach an amicable compromise.
9. If the kid is "acting up", try to figure out why and meet that need. Often it's a need for freedom, or attention, or love, or to be in control of his own life. Figure out what that need is, and find a more productive way to meet it.
If the kid is acting up, he is fed if hungry or ignored if being unreasonable. It gets him on track quick enough.
10. The kid is already perfect as he is. You don't need to change him. You don't need to mold him into the perfect person. He's already perfect, just as he is.
That he is. I will not argue with this point. All our children are perfect. It is we who are still on the road to being perfect parents, learning on the job. And now, relax. Enjoy every moment with your child, because they are too few, too impermanent. Trust me — my oldest daughter is 16, and I can't believe how fast her childhood has come and gone. Cherish this time with them, and make every moment a good one. You'll never regret those moments of happiness, those moments when you said yes, when you let your child play, when you stopped controlling and started loving.