Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother
By Amy Chua
Bloomsbury
(Kindly sent in to me by Penguin)
The first I heard of this book was through the article in the Wall
Street Journal about Amy Chua's forthcoming book, which was discussed
hot on twitter and on the mommy blogosphere. Quills were bristling and
moms were quickly taking up posts on either side of the divide, and
some struggled to maintain a median position on the debate. I was then
invited to be part of a panel discussion on BBC World's Have Your Say,
which included a UK based mom and a BBC producer, a NYC journalist and
mom, a professor in American and a Chinese parent, and me,
representing the pushy Indian parent. Only, I am not the pushy Indian
parent.
But never mind the self pimping, the fact is I was very very keen to
read the book. While the precepts in the extract were a little
extreme, the fact remained that the book did make me feel a little
uncomfortable about just how lax I was with the brat's academics and
skills. I needed to pull up my socks and how.
So when Penguin kindly sent me in the book, I went through it in a
couple of days, reading like I had a gun held to my head. I would take
tips I thought, I would take what would work for me and keep the more
extreme stuff aside. I swore to myself that I would keep the fact that
Chua was a little extreme at the back of my mind, and not get fazed by
any stuff I read. But the book was strong. For a parent like me, who
has spent all of her seven years of parenting trying to build the
child's self esteem, this comes a complete shocker.
My impressions of the book. Firstly, what comes through very strongly
in the entire book is that Chua is trying to live vicariously through
her children. Her decision to raise the children the Chinese way,
while allowing the kids to follow the Jewish faith seems like a happy
compromise on the surface of it, with Amy's husband Jed, struggling to
make sense of Amy's bootcamp method of raising their kids, and playing
referee most times. .
According to Chua, the Chinese way of raising kids is tough love, love
that doesn't hesitate to criticise, love that enforces a regimen so
strict that it allows the children no childhood to run around and just
be children.
Her daughters, Sophia and Louisa, weren't allowed to have playdates,
sleepovers, or anything less than the top grades of their class — and
that they were expected to excel at the instruments Mom chose for them
(this is interesting, the children had no choice in the matter), the
piano and violin, respectively. Interestingly, while Chua's elder
daughter Sophia, was a docile child and went along with her mother's
plan for her, her sister Louisa had different plans, and went along
till a point, kicking and screaming, until one day things finally
broke and she completely went off the violin and took up, surprise
surprise, tennis.
Honestly, the reader sees the rebellion coming, it is surprising that
Chua didn't see it staring her in her face. The accounts of how she
bludgeons (metaphorically speaking of course) her daughters into hours
of music practice, (Interestingly the music seems to be the dominant
part of all her child rearing anecdotes) are downright uncomfortable
to read, especially as a parent. While she might have got one daughter
into Carnegie Hall, and that definitely is something to be proud
about, she's got there through an enforced regimen of hours of
practice, no down time, no sport, no school plays, which makes one
really feel sorry for the child.
Among the many anecdotes in the book, one that really horrified me was
the time she rejected her daughter's handmade birthday cards, because
it really seemed to me as a reader, that she was basically miffed at
her husband not making reservations at a better restaurant. To me,
that is sacrilege.
I don't know how her daughters turned out, and I'm hoping they are
well balanced young ladies right now, but I do know the line between
adoring your parents and hating your parents is a thin one, and
adolescence is a phase where most kids quickly go onto the other side.
What I did not enjoy about the book particularly was the vigorous
manner in which Chua puts down Western parenting, with their focus on
building a child's self esteem, giving the child an all round
childhood full of experiences with an appropriate focus on sport.
She writes "Western parents are concerned about their children's
psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility,
and as a result they behave very differently….That's why the solution
to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame
the child."
While name calling, and even calling the child 'garbage' something
that almost got Chua ostracised at a dinner party is definitely
unorthodox to say the least, the takeaway I did get from the book is
that children need to be pushed beyond the comfortable limits they set
themselves, they need to be handled firmly and not be allowed to sink
into pleasant mediocrity. The methods each parent might use to achieve
this might differ, I might use a blend of no nonsense you have to get
this done, along with some gentle encouragement but the base premise
does remain the same. One wants to encourage the child to go beyond
what they think they can achieve.
While Amy Chua's method might have worked for her, with one daughter
at least, it is not a route I would follow or even advocate. Childhood
prodigies and academic overachievers to the best of my knowledge and
reading have not had very happy lives. And I'd rather my son has a
happy childhood. And if he has a spark of genius, in any sphere, it
will manifest if he has self esteem, and confidence enough.
By Amy Chua
Bloomsbury
(Kindly sent in to me by Penguin)
The first I heard of this book was through the article in the Wall
Street Journal about Amy Chua's forthcoming book, which was discussed
hot on twitter and on the mommy blogosphere. Quills were bristling and
moms were quickly taking up posts on either side of the divide, and
some struggled to maintain a median position on the debate. I was then
invited to be part of a panel discussion on BBC World's Have Your Say,
which included a UK based mom and a BBC producer, a NYC journalist and
mom, a professor in American and a Chinese parent, and me,
representing the pushy Indian parent. Only, I am not the pushy Indian
parent.
But never mind the self pimping, the fact is I was very very keen to
read the book. While the precepts in the extract were a little
extreme, the fact remained that the book did make me feel a little
uncomfortable about just how lax I was with the brat's academics and
skills. I needed to pull up my socks and how.
So when Penguin kindly sent me in the book, I went through it in a
couple of days, reading like I had a gun held to my head. I would take
tips I thought, I would take what would work for me and keep the more
extreme stuff aside. I swore to myself that I would keep the fact that
Chua was a little extreme at the back of my mind, and not get fazed by
any stuff I read. But the book was strong. For a parent like me, who
has spent all of her seven years of parenting trying to build the
child's self esteem, this comes a complete shocker.
My impressions of the book. Firstly, what comes through very strongly
in the entire book is that Chua is trying to live vicariously through
her children. Her decision to raise the children the Chinese way,
while allowing the kids to follow the Jewish faith seems like a happy
compromise on the surface of it, with Amy's husband Jed, struggling to
make sense of Amy's bootcamp method of raising their kids, and playing
referee most times. .
According to Chua, the Chinese way of raising kids is tough love, love
that doesn't hesitate to criticise, love that enforces a regimen so
strict that it allows the children no childhood to run around and just
be children.
Her daughters, Sophia and Louisa, weren't allowed to have playdates,
sleepovers, or anything less than the top grades of their class — and
that they were expected to excel at the instruments Mom chose for them
(this is interesting, the children had no choice in the matter), the
piano and violin, respectively. Interestingly, while Chua's elder
daughter Sophia, was a docile child and went along with her mother's
plan for her, her sister Louisa had different plans, and went along
till a point, kicking and screaming, until one day things finally
broke and she completely went off the violin and took up, surprise
surprise, tennis.
Honestly, the reader sees the rebellion coming, it is surprising that
Chua didn't see it staring her in her face. The accounts of how she
bludgeons (metaphorically speaking of course) her daughters into hours
of music practice, (Interestingly the music seems to be the dominant
part of all her child rearing anecdotes) are downright uncomfortable
to read, especially as a parent. While she might have got one daughter
into Carnegie Hall, and that definitely is something to be proud
about, she's got there through an enforced regimen of hours of
practice, no down time, no sport, no school plays, which makes one
really feel sorry for the child.
Among the many anecdotes in the book, one that really horrified me was
the time she rejected her daughter's handmade birthday cards, because
it really seemed to me as a reader, that she was basically miffed at
her husband not making reservations at a better restaurant. To me,
that is sacrilege.
I don't know how her daughters turned out, and I'm hoping they are
well balanced young ladies right now, but I do know the line between
adoring your parents and hating your parents is a thin one, and
adolescence is a phase where most kids quickly go onto the other side.
What I did not enjoy about the book particularly was the vigorous
manner in which Chua puts down Western parenting, with their focus on
building a child's self esteem, giving the child an all round
childhood full of experiences with an appropriate focus on sport.
She writes "Western parents are concerned about their children's
psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility,
and as a result they behave very differently….That's why the solution
to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame
the child."
While name calling, and even calling the child 'garbage' something
that almost got Chua ostracised at a dinner party is definitely
unorthodox to say the least, the takeaway I did get from the book is
that children need to be pushed beyond the comfortable limits they set
themselves, they need to be handled firmly and not be allowed to sink
into pleasant mediocrity. The methods each parent might use to achieve
this might differ, I might use a blend of no nonsense you have to get
this done, along with some gentle encouragement but the base premise
does remain the same. One wants to encourage the child to go beyond
what they think they can achieve.
While Amy Chua's method might have worked for her, with one daughter
at least, it is not a route I would follow or even advocate. Childhood
prodigies and academic overachievers to the best of my knowledge and
reading have not had very happy lives. And I'd rather my son has a
happy childhood. And if he has a spark of genius, in any sphere, it
will manifest if he has self esteem, and confidence enough.
7 opinions:
choices at the end of it :).. to me.. its never too late to do anything in life.. might as well live a happy life and have good time with the child.. ofcourse.. no nonsense, be it food or behaviour and bed time routine has to be followed until the child is my responsibility, for all of us to remain sane.. one thing i want to tell Amy Chua.. go get a life lady :)
I am very tempted to read the book though
Hear hear!
When I read the article, unsuprisingly a lot of it resonated with me but I was also able to think back to my own childhood and say "Wow - I really didn't have it that bad". While my parents expected and enforced academic success, they also never stopped me from doing sports, arts and having friends (of course the other cultural stereotypical behaviours came out then - no talking to boys, can't go out after dark, wearing appropriate clothing).
I think my parent's greatest disappointment is that I didn't become a doctor - not just because it's the "Indian" thing to do, but because they knew I had potential to do it. I passed everything I needed to get into it except my entrance score. And that was because comparatively my parents didn't crack the whip to make me study to their way during my last year of high school. So that "failure" is all mine. They ARE proud of me, despite me going into a completely different field and always nutured my interests. So my childhood was a mild "Chinese" upbringing and I think a lot of that also was attributed to the fact we have grown up in a very laid-back culture and my parents managed to adopt some of it lol.
I completely agree with you though - children DO sometimes need a push but I know I'd rather have a child with happy memories of their childhood then a "successful" adult.
They do say genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration so I see value in pushing kids to their potential.
However, this kind of extreme parenting can go all wrong and damage a child's psyche. Did you get a chance to read Lac Su's response on how Tiger mothers leave lifelong scars?
(Google "Lac Su site:cnn.com" if the link below fails)
http://articles.cnn.com/2011-01-20/opinion/lac.su.tiger.mother.scars_1_parenting-stupidity-daughters?_s=PM:OPINION
A happy childhood anyday. I wonder if China also has cases of students committing suicide (or maybe just live miserable lives) because they didn't get the percentage the parents expected or admission in the college/course of the parents' choice.
Hi Kiran, discussion on this book has been hitting all circuits, including the mommy group in our complex. The woman, all agree is too harsh and most of us (me included) do not agree with her approach. Although in India (also in other Asian countries), one has to work harder to make a comfortable life than in the advanced western economies. To us, a good education is still the sure-shot way to earn a better living. Majority population in India cannot afford the 'western' approach in parenting. That being said, most of us moms believe that all we want is for our children to be happy. We have to teach them to find happiness from within, and also to have the mindset and strength to handle failures gracefully. At the same time, not be complacent, they have to push the envelope and discover their true potential. OF course - it is easier said than done.
The key is to understand your child and decide what she needs. I have two and they are different. I know I will have to push one more - he is amazingly talented but very happy go lucky. He needs to guided, and taught discipline. My other one is more ambitious and wants to be a winner. I have to counsel her and guide her into accepting that she cannot win all the time. Also winning is not everything. It is a tricky balance - I only hope that at the end, they grow up to be happy, confident, comfortable and kind individuals. And yes...this is not a battle :-) it is their life!
Meenakshy: Go read it. Some of it, I would say, to my mind constituted child abuse.
Silvara: Exactly, it was your 'failure' when you didnt push yourself hard enough to make med school, but you are in a happy place right now and your parents are proud of you and that is all that matters.
GGOP: Absolutely, thanks for the link, this was so interesting, trying to get my hands on Lu Sac's book now.
IHM: I'm sure they do. Absolutely. And the pressure there must be immense.
Minu: Absolutely, this is not a battle, it is their life and a child with great self esteem is far more likely to do better than one with zero self esteem but great academic record.
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